That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
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WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.