I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
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I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Finally, an explanation.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Where’s my employee discount too?
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees