*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
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My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I found your tweet-up…
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
the greatest twitter interaction
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.