Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
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Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
🙀🙀🙀😹
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
🤣✨#caturday
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.