Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
You Might Also Like
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.