I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
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Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I know this now 😂
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Extremely relatable.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.