Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
You Might Also Like
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.