*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
You Might Also Like
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you