People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
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TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Same post same
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
philosophical skeletons be like
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”