me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
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Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
March 16
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday