Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
You Might Also Like
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
oh shit
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages