[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
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If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
my name if I was in the mob
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…