I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
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*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife