Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
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I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡