If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
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Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They鈥檒l be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don鈥檛 put yourself out.
Me:
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
building forts as fast as I can but I鈥檓 running out of pillows
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I鈥檓 hungry now and don鈥檛 wanna wait for big food
I can鈥檛 decide if it鈥檚 amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
馃幎 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 馃幎
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.