Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
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Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…