I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
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Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.