I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
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some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Print is alive and well!!!
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!