What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
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I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
The booster protects against what, now?
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Who knew!
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.