*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
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“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
the rocks need my help
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.