My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
You Might Also Like
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.