You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
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me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
favorite tropes as memes
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie