ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
You Might Also Like
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?