Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
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Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?