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I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math