My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
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I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
#parenting
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.