Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
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Baller is short for ballerina
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Plant care tips
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.