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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.