I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
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AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Twitter remains undefeated
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..