[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
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WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you