I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
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My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
The cake is mightier than the sword.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?