“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
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If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
No, I don’t think I will.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I only treason on days ending in y
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need