A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
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It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
craving $300 all of a sudden
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.