Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
You Might Also Like
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
only 11 steps left
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.