[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
You Might Also Like
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol