My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
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You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it