My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
You Might Also Like
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets