agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
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I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
definitely did not do anything wrong
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over