I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
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[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face