Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
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[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.