Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.