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my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah