I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
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I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.