All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
You Might Also Like
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
i will not be silenced
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.