People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
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doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
🛁
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway