my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
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“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My dating profile:
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”