*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
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I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
What a year we’ve had this week.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Name another movie that mislead you?
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow