Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
You Might Also Like
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
The French cow says MEUX…
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them