My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
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A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”