What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
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I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body